Guy_in_the_Hat's Xanga

Monday, February 06, 2006

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 05:18:13 GMT

Birthdays can eat my shit.

22. Yup. I figure this would be a good time to take a look at those things I've done in my 22 years of life that I shouldn't be too proud of (even though I really am).

Underage drinking.

Drunkenness in public.

Having sex on Sunday (doesn't really matter, I'm Jewish).

Having sex on the sabbath (still doesn't really matter, I'm actually atheist).

Having sex in public.

Having sex during a wake.

Littering and...smoking the reefer.

Having a campfire on public land.

Having a campfire on private land.

Providing alcohol to minors and getting paid for it.

Smoking cigarettes less than 20 feet from a doorway in New York state.

Smoking in the bathroom of a public venue in New York state.

Downloading music and movies.

Underage viewing of pornography.

Disturbing the peace.

Stole two inflatable life-vests from an airplane.

Tampering with the mail.

Vandalism.

General lawlessness.

Telling 'dead baby' jokes.

Setting off fireworks without a license.

Saw Broke Back Mountain (this I'm definitely not proud of).

Offending large groups of people.

Harrassing pigeons.

On the other hand, I've done a lot of good things.

The Walk for Hunger.

Tried to give blood (rejected on account of being anemic).

Volunteered at a homeless shelter.

Joined the Boy Scouts.

Provided alcohol to minors (It's illegal, I know, but I was just trying to be nice).

Took care of my neighbors' kids/pets.

Held my tongue when I could have easily told a 'dead baby' joke.

Quit smoking weed (really!).

Cried at Schindler's List.

Let my stepdad take 3 mulligans in one golf game.

Actually fasted once (not for a religious reason, but still!).

Okay, I know nobody actually reads this so I'm gonna end here.

See ya!

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 02:48:32 GMT

Goong hay fat choy, people!

You'll forgive me if I didn't spell that properly.

Well, after 12 long years, it's finally the year of the Dog again. According to tradition, Dogs are loyal, honest, inspiring, eccecntric, and, eventually, house broken. They can also be stubborn and selfish. Also, they traditionally don't care about money, yet always seem to have it.

Further research on about.com reveals that 2006 is specifically the "Male Fire Dog Year." I assume this means that this is the year that firehouse dalmations will assume the role of dominant species, but I've been wrong before. I'm very fearful for the inevitable arrival of the "Female Metal Snake Year."

Recent Dog years include 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, and 1994.

Some famous Dogs include Ava Gardner, George W. Bush, David Bowie, Bill Clinton,, Benji, Michael Jackson, Dakota Fanning, Lassie, Sylvester Stallone, Elvis Presley, Uma Thurman, Madonna, Cujo, and Rush Coil.

As for me, I was born in the year of the Rat. That means I'm charming, sentimental, intellectual, good at mazes, and fond of growth-hormone saturated food pellets. Some famous rats include William Shakespeare, Rikki Tikki Tavi, Queen Elizabeth, Truman Capote, and Professor Rattigan.

Moving on, I've created my own twelve-year-cycle zodiac calendar.

Dragon: Gotta keep the dragon, since dragons are bad ass. Fittingly, people born in the Year of the Dragon are bad ass and can hold their liquor.

Gorilla: Like the monkey, but stronger. Gorillas are strong-willed and intelligent. They also have great aim when it comes to throwing things. Like feces.

Eagle: I realized the only bird on the current zodiac calendar is the rooster, which can't even fly. Eagles are leaders, born carnivores, and patriotic. Eagles are partial to the colors red, white, and blue and censorship.

Werewolf: Like the dog, but cooler. Werewolves are family-oriented and well organized, but tend to lose their cool under pressure or a full moon.

Moose: Stubborn and emotionally immovable, the moose is a relic, preferring tradition and environmentalism to progress. They often express this sentiment by owning SUVs.

Sheep with a Mohawk: I'm no opponent of sheep. But regular sheep are too docile and overly open to suggestion. My zodiac includes Sheep with Mohawks, who, instead of being led about by dogma and soggy logic, smoke on street corners, stick it to the man, and wear their wool with generous helpings of craft glue and green dye.

Dolphin: There are no water species in the current zodiac. Dolphins are good communicators, cool under pressure, and have few cares in this world save having sexual intercourse for pleasure and munching on the occasional herring.

Crocodile with a Jetpack: Actually, this is from an inside joke.

Porcupine: Porcupines are quiet, introverted, and harmless until you corner them. When that happens, they go into defense mode and whup you like that nerd in your 12th grade physics class who, as you found out the hard way, has a black belt in jujitsu.

Duck-billed Platypus: Come on! It's a mammal that lays eggs and has a bill like a duck! Platys are fun-loving, nurturing, and have poisonsous spines on their hind legs.

Gecko: Snakes are cool, but they aren't geckos. Geckos prefer basking in the sun to work, so are generally considered lazy, though a few have found success in the car insurance industry.

Velociraptor: Raptors are shrewd, ambitious, and hunt in packs. Many dislike raptors for their (often literally) cut-throat business tactics, but would never say it to their faces.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 03:36:02 GMT

I see you typed the URL with your eyes closed again.

Not much to say now except:

Brokeback Mountain was hugely disappointing.

I went to go see what is being touted as the great movie of this year and walked out feeling like I'd just had a visit from a succubus.

The premise of the film (and the short story upon which it is based) is fantastic. Choose one walk of American life that would denounce gays more than any, and right after "Bible-thumping Southern Baptist," you'd probably think "Cowboy." From the Marlboro Man to John Wayne, no other American social label screams "No Gays Allowed" quite like the cattle-ropin', cigarette smokin', whisky drinkin', denim-wearin' cowpoke. Amazingly, the movie succeeded in avoiding virtually all gay stereotypes (except butt-sex), and kept Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhall) and Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger), two freelance ranchers in Oregon, about as manly as any good ol' boy could hope for.

Enter the problems: All in all, there was probably about a half hour of useful dialogue. Stretch this out over 2 hours and 14 minutes of film, and well, needless to say, I felt somewhat let down. The long silences that director Ang Lee made such phenomenal use of in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon were simply awkward and painful when placed into this faux-love-story context.

Like I mentioned earlier, there was about a half hour of useful dialogue. This is because most scenes after the initiation sex were either Ennis' wife pretending not to know that her husband is in love with his fishing buddy or Jack asking Ennis to start a ranch with him and Ennis summarily shooting the idea down. Nowhere was there reference to Ennis and Jack's actual emotions towards eachother (save a couple of heated pre-coital moments), only their attitudes towards the closed-minded world of rural Oregon. Throw in a few scenes of Ennis getting drunk and trying to get back into the closet, and well, there's the movie. Some love story.